Scottish Jokes

One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said, "Oh lord please, I beg you let it be blood!





A Scottish boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."



An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman."Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while. "I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world," said the Australian. "Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."

How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home?Tell him that the drinks are on the house.




A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking
water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts
' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English,
I don't understand you'.The Scotsman man shouts back
'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'






Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes?A moving target is harder to hit.



Mrs Campbell: Has your son finished learning the pipes?
Mrs Macdonald: No, but the neighbours are making threats